"There's this place it's called home, but for
me I don't know where to go. I don't know
what I'm supposed to be or who i am. I
feel so damn lost in the cold. There's this
thing called the heart. Well mine beats in
the rythm of the dark. I can't find what my
purpose is or who i am. I feel so damn lost
in this world. Saving the world is not enough
maybe if I knew a little more about love
than I could finally find who I am and then
you'd agree. Theres more to me than what
you see." - Midknight by AJ Rafael.

I hadn't had a real reason to cry in so long.
Today I had a huge fight with my sister, right
after things for me already felt like it was going
downhill. I don't understand the things that happen.
My family continues to push me into this hole
that I can't seem to get myself out of. I just want to
leave, & have some peace and quiet for once. They
just keep implanting in my mind this thought that
I'm stupid and I won't ever amount to anything
because there are other people out there who are
more smarter than me. That was what caused
this shouting match that I had with my sister for 20
minutes straight, it was horrible. I feel horrible.
I just want to fly away.

Still sick.

Stillllll sick! ahhh. My eyes are like watering, I'm sneezing like crazy, my throat hurts. >.< Eeek!
I'm just sitting here now, I need to do homework and study for econ. though. FML ! Hopefully I go buy my Senior Breakfast dress soon. And let's not forget prom dress! Fack man. lololol.




okay, um gonna eat and stuff and do homework. nothing important to post today.

Stay at home sick Saturday.

"Baby you can run into my arms
And baby you know that I will do no harm
Cause i can be your everything
Your superwoman whatever you need
I can be
Just run into my arms

Baby boy, you've been hurt
I know, that your heart is half gone
But I promise that you'll be my king
If you let me
I wanna be your everything"
- Run into my arms by J. Holiday
haha I edited it so that it would be a girl's version :P

So yesterday, I finally had a chance to nap only to wake up to feeling crappier. My nose is stuffy, I have a sore throat, my head hurts, my body is sore, etc. It sucks, so I have a wonderful weekend at home trying to get better :D not. I guess it gives me more of a reason to sit at home and do my freaking homework.

Street Lights.

"If two lovers can remain friends it either means they were never in love or they still are."

I've read that quote over & over. What does it mean for me? Where do I stand? It's hard to decipher because I don't believe that we were never in love, but I also don't believe that we still are. I mean, I think it might still be there at some point. But slowly, I've been able to overcome all feelings of remorse.



I'm fighting like hell for your attention. Give me a sign. You've grown on me, and you've made me feel happier everyday. I can't even begin to explain the feelings. I just know that I don't want it to go away.

Reanalyze.

Let's take a step back and look at the world or just my world. Let's analyze what's going on in my mind and the happenings. I've gotten out of a serious relationship, one the I cherished with my life. But I find the facts so truthful. I find that we had such a unhealthy relationship. We spent too much time together. On the other hand, I've fallen more and more everyday for a boy. But I've been backing away all at once. I've had boys flirting, calling, texting, doing all they want to do to get my attention. It's weird but satisfying. I haven't been called pretty, cute, beautiful by another boy in a long time. And to hear that? It sounds great[: I'm trying not to sound hubris. haha But I'm just saying once in awhile it's nice to have some reassurance. As for my friend life, everything is good. Good friends. And I have my besteezy. I never thought we'd still be friends, and here we are. My life is good as it is.

Ashamed.

I sat and complained about not having a prom date.
when there are other things to worry about.
talk about being stupid. >.<


I've come across many paths and difficulties so far this year. Everything is so different then how it used to be. I can feel the stress increasing and the breakdowns coming. I'm afraid of the future, but I'm also afraid that I won't be able to help others.

Ain't Enough.

"thinkin back, to the feelin that I had when I first saw your face, I knew that it was youuu,, some time has passed, and the feelings that I had before still are the sameee, caaaause youuu never changed, nooo

eeveeen though I dont show it girl, I juuust want youuu to knoowww, that even if we fight a million times over little things, we can still make it better I meant what I said when I gave you that promise ring, that imma love youu forever, I fall for you deeper everyday, feel it now girl more than ever, but with our type of love, forever aint enough"
- Forever Ain't Enough by J Holiday.

Fuck My Life.
I really can't decide what I want to do.
Should I go? Should I not?
What will I be leaving behind?
What will be losing? I'm so scared.
I'm not even gonna lie, I'm scared to fckin death.
I feel so alone. I'm so tired. So scared. So sad.


:[ Seriously, Forever Ain't Enough.
Just when I was doing fine, I think back.
And it hurts like shit. I can't do it anymore :[

JAI HO.

You are the reason that I breathe,(Jai Ho)
You are the reason that I still believe,(Jai Ho)
You are my destiny,
Jai Ho! Uh-uh-uh-oh!
(Jai Ho)No there is nothing that can stop us(Jai Ho)
Nothing can ever come between us,(Jai Ho)
So come and dance with me,
Jai Ho! (oohh).



Kyyyoooooooteeeee[: <3
Goood weekend except for the whole "time to do hwk" kinda thing. lolol.
my emotions are up and down, so I don't know. Right now I'm just tired @.@ Like extremely tired. lolll. I man physically. Not that I did anything >.< haha. Mmkays back to hwk. Just thought I'd do a quick update [:

Midknight

"There's this place it's called home, but for me I don't know where to go. I don't know what I'm supposed to be or who i am. I feel so damn lost in the cold. There's this thing called the heart. Well mine beats in the rythm of the dark. I can't find what my purpose is or who i am. I feel so damn lost in this world. Saving the world is not enough maybe if I knew a little more about love than I could finally find who I am and then you'd agree. Theres more to me than what you see." - Midknight by AJ Rafael.


Hello there.
I'm trying here. Forgive me for my mistakes. If you could find the patience, then you'll see that there's more to me. But if I am not what you want, than it's okay. I've moved on before and I can do it again. Until then, I'll let you think. And I'll be on my own.

Never Thought.

I never thought I would be going through double the heartbreak.
I never thought I'd be stupid enough to fall again.
I never thought this would happen to me.


It's poison in my veins. It's the disease I can't rid of. The ability to give
and not receive anything in return. I'm so burned out. I'm too tired.


I don't know what I miss more the happiness or being loved?
But I guess all that goes together as one. I've decided that I will go away.
I am going to Pomona. It's final, I need to be me. I need so much time
for myself. My heart deserves better... I DESERVE BETTER.


Please stop reappearing....

Fail.

Agh, I failed to blog yesterday. :[


My blogs are quite confusing as it is, but I think everything's about to get even more confusing, sorry. Lol.

I realized, I don't have as much emotional ties left as I thought I did. It feels more like I miss the memories. As time goes by, I realized what I have left and what was lost... and right now everything just feels right. Moving on is the best thing for me because nothing lasts forever. And I must learn to face reality. I confuse myself a lot of the times with the term "miss". It's just confusing because at times, I don't really know what I miss.

Of course, it's going to hurt. Because I have a heart you know. haha, but I believe that my heart will heal. With the help of others & a lot of strength from myself<3

I watched myself become more calm and relaxed. I watched myself growing up. I watched myself becoming a whole new person. And I've never been more proud. The next step is being able to accept that I will be moving away for college. That's so scary, I don't even know what to do.

White Flag.

I surrender. I surrender my emotions to the one person I care and love the most. I have given in to the fact that I am truly broken. You had my heart and I believe you still have it in the grasp of your gentle hands. There are many faces in the crowd watching our every moves, wondering what would happen next. But what is next? I made a mess of situations for us and that is why I could understand the things you said and did. But I am at lost.. at grief even. At lost for words and at grief for the lose of those words. I put up a front for those who don't know me, but those who do, I know they can see right through me. And I know you can too. My heart is so weak and frail and I'm afraid of what the next step could/would be. I feel as if I had failed myself for putting myself in this state. I need a break from life.

Useless.

I hate that I feel so weak.
I hate that I can't help anyone with the state I am in.
I just wanna fall to my knees and cry.
I want everything to go away.
I'm so tired, so sad, I want a break.
I want... I don't know :/

Bad Luck.

Ah, I almost forgot to blog today.
Today was sucha gloomy day, but it got sunny so it was okay.

I dyed my hair and crapola.
It's blackcherry again, hopefully it sticks this time -____-


And I checked my Admissions Status for San Diego State.
and DENIED ADMISSION. How sad :/

"Thank you for your interest in San Diego State University. After carefully reviewing your application for admission, we are unable to offer you admission for the fall 2009 semester. SDSU admission decisions are highly competitive; this year, we received more than 55,000 applications. The California state budget does not allow for any enrollment growth in 2009-2010. Therefore, we only have 6,900 new enrollee spaces available and these spaces have all been allocated.

You may be assured that your application was fully considered. We regret that we are unable to accommodate you at this time, but wish you well in your future academic endeavors."

Gah, assholes. loll.
Other then that there's nothing new, I guess I'll finish my drama. [:

The Devil Beside you.

I'm currently watching a Taiwanese drama called Devil Beside You. It's soo weird yet so interesting xD. I got a haircut today too, the lady had to chop off a lot to get rid of my split ends. But even so, I still have a lot left. My hair is so damaged it disgusts me. haha.


I am still at point blank, as I was yesterday. Although, I didn't shed any tears today. Thank goodness. But Alex told me it was okay to feel this way, it is natural. And I am human and that I can get through it. I really hope so. I can't stand another day being remorseful and feeling sorry for myself.

I just wish I could be even stronger.

Reminisce

Today feels different, today feels like one of those days where I want to reminisce. I want to remember the days where I was happy being in love. Better yet, I want to feel what it felt like. I want to love and be loved back. I had been in denial for so long, and I can't help but wonder how or why I would do that to myself. If it hurts, then it hurts. Why should I have to hide it? No one or nothing could replace those feelings I had with him. I am at ease, yet remorseful. Although some things became easier, I don't want things to be easy. The challenges made me stronger. I'm so hurt and so lost. I miss those days. I miss them so much that I feel crazy. I feel crazy for wanting something that will never happen again.

Begin.

Let's start with the positives, haha. Today school was really good. But me and Terry were trippin' out like crazy. There were bushes on this one pathway that I freaking swear were never there. omg I friggen swear >.< lmfao. And then in the library ah, pple were doing scavenger hunts, it was fun trying to help them xD.

Afterschool went to Sushi Mac with Alex & Barry. Had Baskin Robins. yum. [:
Then talked to Alex's little sister, haha. she's freaking adorable.
Then hung out at Barry's with Chris and Alex.
We're losers. lolllll.

Anyway, I don't wan tot complain but, I never seen my family at ease. Each day I walk through my front door, some shit happens. I'm a walking nightmare to my family. I don't do anything bad, and yet I get blamed for anything I do. My dad continues to critize me everyday, and yet he doesn't understand how much self esteem he kills in me. I want to go away, move away. Wherever. I just don't want to be here listening to his demands and the shit he says to me. I don't deserve all that crap, he will never understand me. And I will never want to be close to him, he's a sack of shit.

But.

What good is love, if it keeps hurting me?


Today was okie, had class blahblah. The usual shiznat. And then afterschool I went to the store with my mom, and she made tacos xD. Yum.

I need to finish homework and scholarships now.
I need plans for tomorrow, or someone come over[:

The Basics.

I chilled, I texted, I phoned.


nuff' said. xD



I'm just lazy, and I have gomyaccess to do, so yehhh!
lololol, and i'm sleepy. my gah. I tihnk i will SLEEP EARLY TONIGHT.

Tired,

I'm so tired, I'm lacking so much sleep.
Yesterday night was a roller coaster of emotions, I swear.
I'm just glad most people are okay now.


Anyways, I have homework to do & tests to study for.
How exciting, right? Not even!

Today, I was just really sleepy in class hence the reason I need sleep. I was falling asleep in classes, and was spacing out more then ever. So ashamed >.<, Senioritis maybe? But anyway, Ms. Johnston isn't gonna be here for like eight days! It's gonna be amazing :D

Oh & I got a 70% on my fucking ceramics test. >:O

hey there
nice to meet you but
i'm gonna have to pass, cuz i'm so in love
with him over there, i know he's not the one
you thought that i would call
my man but so what
he got no supermodel hollywood looks
he ain't not harverd grad with his nose in the books

but i still i'd rather waste my time with him
than be anywhere, anywhere with you
because at least i know he cares
so in my mind
he's the best damn waste of time

say what you want (wohoo)
but i'm in love (wohoo)
cuz in my mind
he's my best damn waste of time.

Haha, such a cute song. Mm, anyway, Happy 18th Birthday to my bestie. Forever & a day[: Today was a swell day, school was kind of boring. And 4th period I went to the parent center to meet with Mrs. Demail about the peer counsoling stuffs. I think I will follow through with it, sounds fun and interesting. oh, and I text with my crappy Nokia phone. People are so amused by it xD.

Anyway, I'm pretty sleepy right now. I can't even remember what homework I have o.o Ah well, I'm gonna sit here aimlessly for awhile longer, until I figure it out. lmao. I get more weird by the second. This was sucha pointless blog, but I already told myself I would blog everyday. So yeah.

Let's see if I can think of anything important. Um, I got my acceptance letters from Pomona :D Erm, what else? I dunnoooo. I can't think. I'll just write more tomorrow. :D okiee, later blogworld!

p.s - I miss my napa kids<3 i just read their birthday presents to me, and ah... i miss them so muchhhh!! They always made my days better <3

relief,

I finally have a phone to use again. It's an old phone, but whatever it's better then nothing right?
I won't be getting a new phone til my bday. gahh, so long from now.

Anyway, today was such a boring day. And I was tripping out cos I didn't have a phone to text. I spent my day talking to people on AIM & IMing people's phones thru aim. haha.

I don't really have much to say today o.o I'm just trying to get by. [: